Douche on the Street #17 - Occupy

You were stopped with a group of friends for trespassing on the train bridge. It now sports the slogan "Occupy Peterborough" on the girders. That's neither here nor there but a subtle observation I may wish to reference in the future so I'm just noting it here as the incident happened right there. Anyway, one girl asked the officer when the footbridge adjacent to the train bridge would be fixed. I didn't hear his answer though from the story the DJ on the radio told of the same thing happening to him, I'd say his answer was along the lines of "I don't know. You'll have to ask the city. There is no time line for fixing it."

Now, this seems reasonable enough. It's not the answer I want to hear as I travel that path several days a week. But I give the officer credit for being honest and giving the answer that he knew.

And then the douche of the day chimes in - a teenage companion to the girl who asked - and spouts off: Fictional entities cannot own property!

I assure you that neither the City of Peterborough nor the Canadian Pacific Railway are fictional entities. And while the City of Peterborough probably only owns a few dozen square kilometers of parkland, CPR owns 22,500km of track. In admittedly somewhat cyclical logic, such facts quickly refute your ill-conceived claim. Because you open your mouth before thinking like so many self-important spoiled brats with too much time and money and too little education about how the real world works and because you have no respect for the boys in blue, you are a teenage douchebag.

Douche on the Street #16 - A Christmas Miracle

Yesterday you wandered into my unlicensed establishment at 7am as schlossed as Schlegel. You plopped down and pulled a tallboy out of your pocket and stashed it on the chair under the table hoping we wouldn't notice. We noticed and you were evicted. Not without you spraying some toxic breath and words across the counter, crying that the hot coffee had burned your tongue. Too bad someone already tried that one and now every cup comes with protection: a disclaimer. The police stopped by to call upon you but missed you. Perhaps another time. A little later you came back wanting the $200 in fifties you left there earlier. Problem was, you didn't leave them. We certainly would have returned them to get rid of you if we had had them. The police tried again but you are a slippery one, Mr Grinch.

This morning you stopped to enjoy the wonders of nature bailed up in netting and propped against a churchyard fence. You enjoyed that tree so much, you plucked it right from the ground, balanced it on your shoulder and walked away. This time the police caught you. Because you chose to celebrate the birth of Christ by stealing a tree from under the very eyes of a baby Jesus (you made him cry), you are a douche.